Lost Part of My Heart

Walking down the street, I just forgot about giving my share to the poor lady but I remember her smile on giving her something. Unwillingly, I also gave my share of wishes to the poor man passing by in his big car. Size of his car is not proportionate to the size of his heart. On comparing the faces of both of them, I found out that the woman with the bowl is more content with the rattling of coins. Just some shackles are enough to shake his heart, he is more liberated than any of us ‘coz his desires are simple as his clothes, not being torn away by outside forces.

It was walking down the alley that I realised that a familiar voice has started to buzz in my ears, it was my phone. An unsaved contact was calling, after listening to the sound I realised that it was a contact I deleted. A person was speaking on the other side with a tone that nothing had happened but I knew the disguise in his voice ready to deceive and lure me to the same place I escaped. I dont know what he said but at last he requested to meet me, I didn’t answered, I was unable to do so. My tongue was paralysed to utter a simple “NO”. It had a brain of his own who was ready to comprehend the voice on other end. It knew that either the other end would end all suffering or will end it for good.

After the everlasting “Beeeep…….” , I realised that I am the master of my tongue not the opposite. But, it was too late for me to scold it for its deeds. I never wanted to go to the place but something was pulling me to him, a force so dominant that shuts the brain and makes your legs moving.

Walking towards my chosen destiny, every single incident of the hurt was hurting me all over again but I guess I wanted it. To avoid emptiness, we cling to agony, but the attachment with pain is blissful, that’s why we all cling to it. Isnt it?

It felt like I was about to meet a part of me again, it was left behind, but its calling me now and I had to go. We can’t just keep scattering our broken parts here and there and forget about them.

He was the person who knew me inside out and he broke me from inside out. The damage which can’t be healed from outside. I still remember when I slept in his arms trying to hide from the world in his chest. When he caressed my hairs with his slender fingers, it felt like he was unwinding my misery not my hairs, his heartbeat was the best lullaby I heard. But it hurts when the person whom you love gives you so much snatches everything in a second, the person whom you give your heart gives his to someone else. It’s strange how something which belongs to you your whole life started belonging to someone else in some days, maybe it was never ours in the first place. It was always looking for someone who will take good care of it, because we never did. Its sound echoes in eternity to find its true owner and to find him is the greatest quest ‘coz he can’t be seen simply with eyes, we need something else to recognise him.Not every veil is made of cloth, some are made of skin. Seeing behind it is not a cakewalk, we are often lured by the shining, lustrous veils only to find out the dark face.

The heart contracts and relaxes but once it contracts beyond its limit, it can’t relax until it is made to do so by someone it allows to do so.

Leaving me was his decision but begging him not to do so was mine, we all made bad decisions but learning is important, I knew about it ,also a pathetic decision but I still made it or maybe it wasn’t a decision at all.

 I still hear my sobbing sounds in shower but it has just became a melancholy, it will be played aloud the next day in shower. Water was my companion who let my tears flow my cheeks accompanying down its way to my chest where the source was located. Eyes don’t weep, it’s something else who do it when its part is lost. It has known the ways of living  without it but the question is if it wants to live like it.

His comeback hurts more than his departure, his comeback revives all the questions left unuttered, the pain of craving is devastating and its worse when you know you can’t get it back. The ray of hope he gave me pierced my soul instead of giving me a warmth. It’s like being burned from inside and is fuelled by my own thoughts. The darkest imaginations when are loosed on leash can hunt the hunter. I again came into my senses when I saw him smiling, I tried closing my eyes but it made no difference, I saw him with closed eyes, he wasn’t in one place, he was in my head too. His smile was suddenly turned ugly or it was ugly all the time. His veil was removed. I wanted to go to him and shout him ,slap him and again get lost in those familiar arms. Those arms didn’t seemed the cozy place there were once, they had become the bars to hold me. I had escaped once but I knew my death was lurking behind them ‘coz I wont escape from it again.

One my way back I knew I had done what was needed to be done, it made me strong, I didn’t ran away from it , I just came to know it wasn’t worth it. He is a dead person for me and my lost part of heart is buried with him.

May he rest in peace.

 

 

 

 

The Last Piece Of Cake on Christmas Eve

I just slammed the door on that cold evening and rushed towards the kitchen and threw all the groceries, lost in my own thoughts and rushing through the furniture in the way to drawing room I made a call which I thought I would never ever make in my life again and hoping that the person wouldn’t receive it yet longing to hear his so familiar and melodious voice. The phone rang, he hadn’t changed his number, the phone was ringing and so was my heart, with each ring panic was engulfing me and my head was ready to burst of thoughts, old memories of happy and sorrow days. It seemed that my whole past was dancing and mocking me for my foolish deeds. If I hadn’t let my ego came in the way, things could have been much sweeter. But, it was not my fault alone, things could had been treated well from opposite side also. In amidst of all this all , a trembling voice said “Hello!” and with great effort I said, “It has been a long time, Will you come tonight on dinner?” ,an awkward silence came between us and then a single word came from him, Yes!”. The phone hanged up but still the single word was ringing in my ears and I began doing the chores for dinner. I started preparing his favourite dishes, he had a unique  and sharp sense of taste which could detect a little abnormality which had turned me into a over cautious cook.

The Christmas tree was decorated and everything was in its place yet I was rushing in the house for complete perfection. The doorbell rang and my eyes became wide but I but ran towards the door as I wanted to see if my brother looked the same as before. I opened the door and found the same boy with those messy hairs and dirty shoes. I wanted to cry and hug him but I didn’t wanted to get soft on him, I wanted to be the same hard big brother which I had always been and I just shook hand and let him in and closed the door gently. He had already made his way to the dining table.

We talked formally over the table about work and other things but at last everything was overpowered by emotions when he asked, “Why you did all of that? and I just lost myself and in tears cried, I had been mean and rude all of this time but I wanted you badly in these lonely times. After our fight, you left and I was alone with father but when he died I was alone in my life, each day began with the wet pillow and ended with the sour eyes. I wanted to talk to you but I thought you wouldn’t even pick up the phone but after so much time I gathered enough courage to invite you in your own house for Christmas dinner. You showed up as my Christmas gift.”He was smiling with tears in his eyes ready to drop down. Then the big brother scolded the small one by saying, “You could have called also.”He said, “I could have come by myself but if I had done so, how could have I been able to see you in this form?”

The dark clouds over the dining table turned into the shining rays on the cold Christmas eve. We laughed on silly jokes like the good old days and enjoyed the dinner with some good old wine. It was like a fairy tale for me straight from a book. There had been many such dinner in the past in father’s time but it was just ordinary at that time but this time it was something else. Only time has the power to show you the beauty of simple things, the value of your loved ones and the ones who stays in our heart even after descending to other world.

At last, we both ate the cake with last piece of cake left. I wanted that but I wanted my brother more. So, I offered him the last piece with a drop of my tear shining atop the cake.

Life is too short to be spend fighting with your loved ones.