Lost Part of My Heart

Walking down the street, I just forgot about giving my share to the poor lady but I remember her smile on giving her something. Unwillingly, I also gave my share of wishes to the poor man passing by in his big car. Size of his car is not proportionate to the size of his heart. On comparing the faces of both of them, I found out that the woman with the bowl is more content with the rattling of coins. Just some shackles are enough to shake his heart, he is more liberated than any of us ‘coz his desires are simple as his clothes, not being torn away by outside forces.

It was walking down the alley that I realised that a familiar voice has started to buzz in my ears, it was my phone. An unsaved contact was calling, after listening to the sound I realised that it was a contact I deleted. A person was speaking on the other side with a tone that nothing had happened but I knew the disguise in his voice ready to deceive and lure me to the same place I escaped. I dont know what he said but at last he requested to meet me, I didn’t answered, I was unable to do so. My tongue was paralysed to utter a simple “NO”. It had a brain of his own who was ready to comprehend the voice on other end. It knew that either the other end would end all suffering or will end it for good.

After the everlasting “Beeeep…….” , I realised that I am the master of my tongue not the opposite. But, it was too late for me to scold it for its deeds. I never wanted to go to the place but something was pulling me to him, a force so dominant that shuts the brain and makes your legs moving.

Walking towards my chosen destiny, every single incident of the hurt was hurting me all over again but I guess I wanted it. To avoid emptiness, we cling to agony, but the attachment with pain is blissful, that’s why we all cling to it. Isnt it?

It felt like I was about to meet a part of me again, it was left behind, but its calling me now and I had to go. We can’t just keep scattering our broken parts here and there and forget about them.

He was the person who knew me inside out and he broke me from inside out. The damage which can’t be healed from outside. I still remember when I slept in his arms trying to hide from the world in his chest. When he caressed my hairs with his slender fingers, it felt like he was unwinding my misery not my hairs, his heartbeat was the best lullaby I heard. But it hurts when the person whom you love gives you so much snatches everything in a second, the person whom you give your heart gives his to someone else. It’s strange how something which belongs to you your whole life started belonging to someone else in some days, maybe it was never ours in the first place. It was always looking for someone who will take good care of it, because we never did. Its sound echoes in eternity to find its true owner and to find him is the greatest quest ‘coz he can’t be seen simply with eyes, we need something else to recognise him.Not every veil is made of cloth, some are made of skin. Seeing behind it is not a cakewalk, we are often lured by the shining, lustrous veils only to find out the dark face.

The heart contracts and relaxes but once it contracts beyond its limit, it can’t relax until it is made to do so by someone it allows to do so.

Leaving me was his decision but begging him not to do so was mine, we all made bad decisions but learning is important, I knew about it ,also a pathetic decision but I still made it or maybe it wasn’t a decision at all.

 I still hear my sobbing sounds in shower but it has just became a melancholy, it will be played aloud the next day in shower. Water was my companion who let my tears flow my cheeks accompanying down its way to my chest where the source was located. Eyes don’t weep, it’s something else who do it when its part is lost. It has known the ways of living  without it but the question is if it wants to live like it.

His comeback hurts more than his departure, his comeback revives all the questions left unuttered, the pain of craving is devastating and its worse when you know you can’t get it back. The ray of hope he gave me pierced my soul instead of giving me a warmth. It’s like being burned from inside and is fuelled by my own thoughts. The darkest imaginations when are loosed on leash can hunt the hunter. I again came into my senses when I saw him smiling, I tried closing my eyes but it made no difference, I saw him with closed eyes, he wasn’t in one place, he was in my head too. His smile was suddenly turned ugly or it was ugly all the time. His veil was removed. I wanted to go to him and shout him ,slap him and again get lost in those familiar arms. Those arms didn’t seemed the cozy place there were once, they had become the bars to hold me. I had escaped once but I knew my death was lurking behind them ‘coz I wont escape from it again.

One my way back I knew I had done what was needed to be done, it made me strong, I didn’t ran away from it , I just came to know it wasn’t worth it. He is a dead person for me and my lost part of heart is buried with him.

May he rest in peace.

 

 

 

 

Letters from my Son

Plants needs to be nurtured everyday just like us, they can’t be abandoned under the scorching sun for long ,for they will just drain out of loneliness. But not this one, I brought it from a distant deserted land where it was accustomed of it, living by itself. Maybe ,he wasn’t like it from the beginning, it must had some friends and family, it surely had a past, everyone has. It wasn’t this dry, it didn’t had such pointy spikes for whosoever it touched, ready to pierce the skin and quench its thirst from the blood of the one trying to touch it. It doesn’t matter if it was a caring touch, deserted lands and grilling sun above the head eventually turns even the softest into the most isolated, isolated under the endless, clear sky, isolated with the vision extending to horizon but still so deeply rooted to the earth that it cant reach the place where the two distant lovers meet after the long excruciating journey through the fathoms of the sea and peaks of the mountains. To the place where they finally kiss, somethings are meant to be viewed from a distance, for if we come near the light of joy will enter through our open wounds and will hurt our darkness. I think we love our darkness, at least we can say its ours. It doesn’t belong to anybody else, only we have right over it in this departing world, we just cant let our fears depart, after all its all we have got.

Gardening is an experience which brings back the time when my son used to run across the garden destroying the grass. I never understood the value of the destroyed herbs and shrubs in my garden until it was gone and now I am sitting with a box of his sent letters, a relic found during my exploration of old stuff. He began writing me when he was pursuing his graduation, it was a sweet pain receiving his letter on every Sunday morning, it reminded of the time when he was in me, the same feeling, the same butterflies.

In the initial letters he just described each and every detail of his room, college, friends and teachers. The way things were happening and how they turned out to be different from before. How a different city and culture was changing him. He might come out of his home but his home will never come out of him. He told me instances when his native language turned out to be a complete disaster in front of his new friends but the greatest thing was, he was accepted as he was with his flaws which is a rare thing in this cruel world. He found out the right friends for himself or they had founded him. Aren’t we all want to be found by someone?

He also told me about his experience of love with a girl, how he wanted to take care of her. That night, my eyes forgot to blink. The thought of him loving someone else was just enough for me to have sleepless night. It was a mixed feeling, I wanted him to be happy, but I wanted him to be happy with me. I think it was just to be selfish in some matters especially the matter we have brought in this world. Luckily, it didn’t lasted long and he came to know that a mother’s love is purest. He don’t know the truth completely, I don’t want his illusions destroyed of me being a human also. The truth will be revealed  later on, I hope.

In the last letters he wrote, the content of the letters became short. He cut short all the meaningless things and wrote about the things which really mattered, our relationship. The fragrance of sweet things ready to be eaten by him, the walk on moist grass in the morning, The ringing of the same church bell from the time before his birth, he started missing the sounds he which once was annoyed him. The chirping of the birds suddenly became a hymen away from home, in the city of horns, singing of birds was a rare thing. The common things had become uncommon. I wish he was still with me, alive. The cactus in my garden standing along with the green and joyous plants reminds me of myself, its my personification. The truth that he nor his letters will come again never hurted me, these were the lies that I kept telling myself. May he rest in peace.

 

 

IN THE DEPTHS OF OCEAN

Sitting alone can be a cruel thing to your mind. Sitting on the sandy beach and wondering about the depths of the ocean I realised that we are both alike. We both have many secrets in our depths which we had been hiding in our hearts for times even we are not aware of. On the surface we are calm and composed but who knows what happens inside. But we have an acceptance of things, an unearthly quality. We have accepted poisons from others which has devastated us to our core.

It has been a long time when I saw him for the first time but I still remember his smile when he was talking to his friends. I was sitting on bench next to him and was looking for excuses so that I can just a glimpse of what he was. Just his glimpse was what I needed and more I saw him, more I craved for him. It was the first time in my life that I had laid my eyes on someone so special, someone with whom I could imagine my entire life with. Being a straight A+ student, I had never lowered my eyes in front of anyone but his simple look at me just destroyed my ego which I had been collecting from a long time. I tried to talk on him on phone but my foul attitude kicked in and things didn’t turned out as planned. Later I talked to him but didn’t confessed anything to him. Every day, I thought of confessing him but fear of rejection was hunting me down daily. Each day would begin with a determination and end with guilt. When I got home from college and washed my face, I looked in mirror and motivated myself. Each day it was becoming difficult to look in the mirror.

Then, one fine day I approached him, he was talking to a friend. I said “I can do anything for you. but he said he wanted some time to think about that. That was the most restless day of my life. I wasn’t able to sleep that night. It was just me and my pillow. I was cuddling my pillow and something was in my stomach.  Next morning, I reached college and my eyes were searching for that one. That one, who could had changed my life. The one, with whom I could had been myself. The one, who would catch me in his arms when I would fall.

I just spilled my heart before him, I said, “I will always love you. Will you be mine?” but fate had decided something else. His heart was taken by someone else, the same friend he used to talk with. I just controlled myself, tears were on the brink of my eyes. On the way, it all lost and tears traced my way home. The hardest part was when I had to tell my parents about being well. I said, “I am fine and just tired.” For the first time in my life I didn’t shared with my mother what was killing me inside. That night, it was just me and my thoughts, it wasn’t sure who was controlling whom. The whole scenario was running on repeat mode before me even with my eyes open. Next morning, I came out of room as if nothing had happened. I couldn’t tell people I had been weak, I never had. I thought I would just ignore him but he had refused politely and considered me as friend of him. I just couldn’t. Some things are out of our control or maybe we came out of control. I wanted to shout on him, I wanted to slap him, I wanted to hug him, I wanted him to be mine. But, I also wanted him to be happy and his happiness was with another soul. I just smiled and hid the sea of tears in my eyes but still my eyes betrayed me and a drop oozed out when I was looking down. Luckily or unluckily, he wasn’t seeing. Days went by and I was surviving seeing his smile, his face, he as a whole. He was happy with her but not me. I wanted to focus on myself but focus always shifted towards them, capturing them. I still texted him but as a friend, it took more courage that would had required to pull meal from a lion’s mouth. I texted him, at least I was talking to him.

Something crazy happened, he had a breakup and a very devastating breakup. I was sorry for him but happy for myself. He was the talk of whole department for a couple of months, a ray of hope was piercing the darkness inside me. I decided to increase the frequency of texts and he too returned the same. I told him indirectly that I belonged to him only but he indicated always that he was just a friend. He had rejected me without even looking in my eyes, there was just love for him in my eyes. Even though he had only gave me tears and sleepless nights but still I accepted those as my gifts. It wasn’t fair to believe that all girls are same but it’s just fine afterall. He wasn’ t the one falling, I was. The mistake was mine not his.  Continue reading “IN THE DEPTHS OF OCEAN”

The Last Piece Of Cake on Christmas Eve

I just slammed the door on that cold evening and rushed towards the kitchen and threw all the groceries, lost in my own thoughts and rushing through the furniture in the way to drawing room I made a call which I thought I would never ever make in my life again and hoping that the person wouldn’t receive it yet longing to hear his so familiar and melodious voice. The phone rang, he hadn’t changed his number, the phone was ringing and so was my heart, with each ring panic was engulfing me and my head was ready to burst of thoughts, old memories of happy and sorrow days. It seemed that my whole past was dancing and mocking me for my foolish deeds. If I hadn’t let my ego came in the way, things could have been much sweeter. But, it was not my fault alone, things could had been treated well from opposite side also. In amidst of all this all , a trembling voice said “Hello!” and with great effort I said, “It has been a long time, Will you come tonight on dinner?” ,an awkward silence came between us and then a single word came from him, Yes!”. The phone hanged up but still the single word was ringing in my ears and I began doing the chores for dinner. I started preparing his favourite dishes, he had a unique  and sharp sense of taste which could detect a little abnormality which had turned me into a over cautious cook.

The Christmas tree was decorated and everything was in its place yet I was rushing in the house for complete perfection. The doorbell rang and my eyes became wide but I but ran towards the door as I wanted to see if my brother looked the same as before. I opened the door and found the same boy with those messy hairs and dirty shoes. I wanted to cry and hug him but I didn’t wanted to get soft on him, I wanted to be the same hard big brother which I had always been and I just shook hand and let him in and closed the door gently. He had already made his way to the dining table.

We talked formally over the table about work and other things but at last everything was overpowered by emotions when he asked, “Why you did all of that? and I just lost myself and in tears cried, I had been mean and rude all of this time but I wanted you badly in these lonely times. After our fight, you left and I was alone with father but when he died I was alone in my life, each day began with the wet pillow and ended with the sour eyes. I wanted to talk to you but I thought you wouldn’t even pick up the phone but after so much time I gathered enough courage to invite you in your own house for Christmas dinner. You showed up as my Christmas gift.”He was smiling with tears in his eyes ready to drop down. Then the big brother scolded the small one by saying, “You could have called also.”He said, “I could have come by myself but if I had done so, how could have I been able to see you in this form?”

The dark clouds over the dining table turned into the shining rays on the cold Christmas eve. We laughed on silly jokes like the good old days and enjoyed the dinner with some good old wine. It was like a fairy tale for me straight from a book. There had been many such dinner in the past in father’s time but it was just ordinary at that time but this time it was something else. Only time has the power to show you the beauty of simple things, the value of your loved ones and the ones who stays in our heart even after descending to other world.

At last, we both ate the cake with last piece of cake left. I wanted that but I wanted my brother more. So, I offered him the last piece with a drop of my tear shining atop the cake.

Life is too short to be spend fighting with your loved ones.

The Broken Mask

It was a bright day as usual when I woke up but due to closed eyes I wasn’t able to embrace it. I started doing my chores unaware of the miracle which would follow me. I brushed my teeth, combed my long hairs, arranged my bed, I had wiped my face carefully so no one would notice the tear trails on my cheeks. Sitting on the chair with my favourite mug disgusting the world, my past had left a deep scars on my heart which I thought would never heal. My past had forced me to wear an invisible mask as a barrier to this overly loud and non empathetic world. I just had made up my mind that no one is going to understand what I felt and how deep my thoughts were.

These thoughts had made me isolated to the whole society, I was misunderstood a million times for being egoistic but they only knew about the mask which covered me not my true self. I had problems with such people but soon the mud got settled with time and I didn’t even cared what they spoke behind my back and moved forward towards my career. I had become something which I once hated. Talking rough to someone wasn’t a big deal, I wouldn’t give second thought about pushing someone behind for my success.

Then the following sunset, something unexpected happened and my mother got hurt by my sharp words but at that time due to my ego I went outside and returned late night, peaking in the house and slept in my room, I thought everything would turn out to be normal but I saw a letter lying on table just besides my bed which had written on it,

“Dear,

It has been a long time I had been tolerating you and your rudeness but yesterday the things you said didn’t came out of the mouth of my daughter I used to love, she was someone else, a stranger, I can adjust with my daughter but not with a rude stranger. I am going to my friend’s home for some time.

Please don’t try to contact me for some time.”

 

After reading this, I just realised what damage I had been doing to people, the mask which I wore as a barrier has now became my identity and I was reflecting my bad past life on even those whom I truly loved.

Being alone at home, life had become very boring and depressing. I would come home daily and wept like hell. Each morning, my pillow would be stained with my tears. Then one day I saw someone whose face had a strange shine on it. His big eyes were shining like pearls and he was gathered by people who were just enjoying his presence. I wanted to know what was happening but my mask stopped me. After some days we crossed paths and I got a chance to talk to him and he reminded me of someone very familiar but I couldn’t recognize who was that person. There was some magic in him as he could feel my words not just listen to me as most would do. His calmness was something that hadn’t been seen in ages. His compassion was mesmerizing. He would look at simple things with so much delight which I couldn’t even understand.  He wasn’t that smart or handsome but whosoever once talked to him would become spellbound and just admired him in eyes for who he was. His voice wasn’t that melodious but his words made people dance. His innocent smile was just enough for someone to forget her problems. That guy holds a special place in my heart as he is someone in front of whom you could be vulnerable but he wouldn’t take advantage of that, neither he would judge. He just smiles and looks at you with same glow in his eyes.He was innocent like a child yet more matured than others in seeing others. He saw eveything and everyone with crystal clarity could  guide on paths unknown. I talked to him daily and saw things from perspective I could had never imagined. He used to talk but much actually he was just a mirror who was showing me myself. In complete wonder of his words, I would return home daily.

 

Then one day while talking to him, I finally came to my senses and remembered who was he alike and I just ran from there with tears of regret in my eyes. I came home and saw the mirror but I hadn’t seen my true reflection since a long time and was too afraid to lift my eyes up. Slowly, I lifted them up and saw a girl crying in her most vulnerable form. The girl who can do anything just to save a dying bird, a girl who could see what someone actual needs and was generous enough to fulfil that. The mask had broken completely. It was my beautiful face which was there. I just forgot how beautiful I was under the ugly mask. No hiding it from the world.

The person with whom he was familiar was my older self which was lost over time. Sometimes, you just another person to bring out what was buried in you. I just wanted to cry for my lost self. No more hiding, that was me and nobody would make me bitter, I would make everyone sweet.

I came back to him and thanked me for showing me all of this but he said, “I didn’t do anything, I was just being myself, naked as I was born.”


Blessed are those who are truly true to themselves.

You can always light someone’s life just being yourself, unmasked.

THE LAST NIGHT

Tell me about your happy memories with her” he asked. I blushed and started “When I first saw her she was wearing white dress with a pair of red shoes. I cannot remember anyone else at bus stop on that day .She saw me and I saw her and time just froze but the moment was destroyed by bus honk. Damn that bus honk and she got in the bus and I was standing mesmerized by the experience .I didn’t knew what was it but I knew it will make my life worth living for.

First Night

Continue reading “THE LAST NIGHT”